Today was awesome. Again ^^

Making salad didn't take as long as I thought it would, altho my slicing technique requires some polishing. ;P TM helped out too, and so we easily put together the amazing salad and took it to my friend's bbq~ I hadn't driven for so long - my uncle stole the car for a week xD Made things slightly more inconvenient, considering that I was already unaccustomed to bussing from a months worth of solo driving. How quick I began to take it for granted! D: But its ok, cuz I really appreciate the ability to drive. Twas cool to find out that Fonzy also got a sleek black car (I'm rather ignorant about makes of cars...) and I also was requested to accompany JJ as she moved the car a few metres closer to the bbq spot xD Oh JJ, you didn't need my help at all~ :) Bashful thing~

Now, I was late, due to a quick drawing lesson for a friend of mine, (through whom I was told of a Disney Death Note??! Apparently Miley Cyrus was to play Misa Misa, and Zac Efron Light Yagami. I really hope it was a hoax.) but I can tell you the food was so goooood~ ;) I seem to have gained an appreciation for food in these few days! But what was the hightlight of an exciting day was the game of Pictionary we played. Now, as a sidenote, I must tell you that my first attempt of the game made me realise that pictionary has got NOTHING to do with your artistic skill. (That was made clear by Sherman.) Hence, despite my confidence in skill at the age of 11, I failed miserably when it came to expressing a curb or a stop sign to someone I couldn't talk to xD

But. It seems that Jesus has taken my prayers/resolutions to heart. And so have I. I'm not going to hold back... I'm believing in myself, and it feels so exhilarating.

As a result, me and TM PWNED EVERYONE ELSE.

Ah, Lady Luck favours those with heart. ;)

I will admit that most of the 'luck' was due to the fact that me and TM were paired together... but I also managed to keep rolling 6s... and also managed to roll the exact number needed to land squarely on the final square... and then we proceeded to win the round.

Luck? I'll leave it up to you. :)

(Oooh, also as a sidenote, me and Rose managed to draw the EXACT same picture for Dracula xD)

But yes. Fun~ And for once, I'd completely forgotten to be hesitant when doing anything. It was...really uplifting. I wonder where this person had come from. I was completely comfortable talking to anyone and everyone there... well ok, not an amazing achievement since i knew most of them really well.... ok, that isnt entirely true either.

Nonetheless, a little victory for the success to come? :)
My only drawback was when I spontaneously decided to crash JJ's afterwards, but then double checked with father and was told no. And then reached home. And found out that parents were at a movie.

So I could've gone anyway. gah fail. D:

Mm... but this independence thing is growing on me. I like it.

To end this fabulous day, I HAVE to mention the superlicious cheesecake that GG's mum made for her. Man... that was literally the icing on top of the cake.

Could not have asked for a better time. xxoo

Ahhh... today was so much fun~ Relaxation therapy to the max~ :3

Essentially, went to a good friend's place to make Okonomiyaki! Mmmm.... My previous encounter with it put me off slightly. But nothing, and I mean NOTHING, beats home cooking!! <3

So just jotting down the recipe:
----
1 cup flour
Cooking oil
2 cups shredded cabbage (or other leafy green of your choice)
Any other veggies or meats you like
Japanese mayonnaise (tastes quite different than American mayonnaise)

Mix the ingredients until there are no batter lumps. Cabbage is the only constant, though you don't even need to use that if you'd prefer something like lettuce or spinach.

Remember that when frying, make the batter spread out more in order to cook it more thoroughly.
----

Excellentt~~~ Good food = full of happy ^^ Also, note to self - Japanese Mayo has a picture of a baby on it. It is NOT to be mistaken for baby milk xD

Then we dragged ourselves to the park to work off the calories xD Or just to try and not build up as much winter flub as possible... Mor photo splurging ^^ This time I took some of G, cuz otherwise she'd never be in any xD The sun came out this time, too. :) Then we headed back in after climbing out of the tree and watched The Cat Returns~ Last time I watched this, it was all in cantonese and I couldnt understand anything x_x" So I finally got it~ I love Ghibli... <3 The music, the art... the animation and the v.a.s... <3

Other than that, Tinsorz learnt that Emma Watson was born in Paris, NOT England... And she also cannot remove the 'Looks like Osama Binladin's beard' joke from her tainted mind. Sigh.

And its been 23 days... my lucky number springs back into action~
I've never felt so free... And I'm doing plenty with my life~

---
Some songs to be put onto my wishlist:
Love Love Love
By Epik High
From Remapping the Human Soul

Officially Missing You
By Tamia
From More
---

Another update on my little philosophies of life...

I keep messing up the balance of life. I really do. Either my head's buried in the current time and only assessment and tests are my priority... or I fantasise about the bigger picture and dream of vague possibilities in the future, and completely forget that what I do now will get me there.

But its ok, cuz I have my whole life to get used to this :)

But I've kind of figured out what I'd like my bigger dream to be...
1. To become a person who can stand on their own... dream and achieve, have fun and fulfil my life to the fullest...
but 2. to have someone to share it with for life... that special beloved :)

As much as I love my beloved now... I haven't even realised the first dream. Perhaps I'm greedy? ;) But it's true that I have barely learnt to walk... I don't even know what I love doing, let alone what I'll do for a career. I can't even support myself... I'm very indecisive, and unsure all the time. Especially of myself. Which I shouldn't be.

But hey, I'm learning~
So, until I can be at a point where I'm more sure of myself, being involved in this search for a life partner is not something I can be a part of... directly. At least, it has a very high chance of ending the same way my first love did... (Of course, I still love him. But I'm just happy being able to talk to him and enjoy his company.)

I musn't forget... You have to learn to love yourself first, before you can love anyone else. Otherwise it's just admiration. And you'll just be a burden to the relationship and make it harder to grow.

"You know, there are 2 things in life I really wanted to work hard for and be patient for. One, was to become a doctor. Second, was you."

xxoo

Wow... I never really thought about the bigger picture before. But piece by piece, i'm looking further and away from just me, and viewing all the possibilities. And just out of curiosity, I did a bit of research on a famous person because, well, they're the easiest to find a biography on :P

So, for Nicole Kidman:
"[on Birth (2004)] This is a film about love. What is a great love? Is there a love of our life? Do you ever recover from the loss of somebody that was so important to you?
Stanley Kubrick taught me to believe in myself artistically. I spent my 20s raising my children, and wanting to, and being married. That was my driving force. And then he said to me, "No, you have to respect your talent, and give it some space, and give it some time." Which was a lovely thing to be given. And my children were a little older then.
It was by chance that The Hours (2002) came along. Was I in a place where I could say, "I'm going to go to England and make this?" Yes. Could I do that earlier, when I was married? No, I couldn't travel like that. We had a thing where we couldn't be separated for more than two weeks. So that made a lot of work just not possible. Which was fine by me.
I have moments where I've said, "Don't tread on that crack in the pavement, don't have a black cat walk in front of you." Deep down am I superstitious? No. Do I believe in trying to be as kind as possible and as compassionate as possible because ultimately you're alone with yourself and your own conscience, and you want that to be as clear as possible? That's not superstition. You have to just try and stay pure and know what you value.
Usually, a young actress can't deliver because she doesn't have the emotional baggage, really, to play those things. That's something that's very beautiful about becoming a woman, and becoming a woman in your 30s. If you've lived your life, and lived it where you've said, "I want to be a participator and not a voyeur", then you have an enormous amount to pull on.
I'm still just finding my way through. I don't actually see a path in front of me. I can see not ever doing it again, and I can also see other things pulling me away from this. It's strange, because I know it's in my blood in terms of having to somehow act or express myself creatively, but I'm willing to do it different ways if need be. And I think that's partly because when I went through my divorce I dealt with the idea of never ever working again, and never being here and never able to be an actress, and went through an enormous amount of soul searching, and at that time, I was very ready to give it all up, and dealt with that emotionally. I was going, "Well, I'll never be able to do this again." And that was OK. And, strangely, as life is so strange, that was when everything exploded.
I never feel like I'm in control. There's a certain type of actor that relinquishes control when they act, and then there's another type who ends up being a producer and director and they're more someone that likes to take control. I fall in the first category, where I like to relinquish control, and fit into somebody else's world. And that's just lately, but you never feel like you are making choices. You feel like they're finding you in a strange way. That's why when people say, "What role do you want to play next?", I say, "I don't know". I never know. It's about responding to things rather than planning.
I think someone said my career defies all logic [laughs]. Because I choose the sort of strange little films, and somehow they're the things that make my career.
So if you talk about a box-office career, then I'm a disaster. But somehow, you know, I still manage to find my way to work.
I think actors are getting so much more power these days, but I'm not. I stay very much away from the decisions, the way in which things are orchestrated, what's been changed. I just try to stay completely in the role as the actor and as the character.
I'm at a time of my life now where, for me to want to go back and work, it'd have to be something that I really feel passionately about.
Regrets are ridiculous, so I don't regret, no."

And:
"[speaking of her father Antony Kidman] He's a great father, I can call him at three in the morning and he's there for me.
By the time I was a teenager, I had developed skills as a writer, and my father encouraged me to think about a career in journalism. I began keeping a diary, which I maintain to this day. I used to fill whole notebooks with my writings.
My parents thought it was nice to develop my imagination, but they never seriously thought that anything would ever come of it. They said that I couldn't be an actress because I would be taller than all my leading men, so I thought I would be a writer instead.
It was very natural for me to want to disappear into dark theater, I am really very shy. That is something that people never seem to fully grasp because, when you are an actor, you are meant to be an exhibitionist.
Do you know I'm always scared that one day I'll look back and say "God they were the best years of my life and now what?" There are moments when you feel as if you have been blessed for a while, moments when you think this is perfect, moments when you start to believe that even for an hour, even for a year, it might all happen. So I'm determined to keep making it get better and better.
It's a very brave thing to fall in love. You have to be willing to trust somebody else with your whole being, and that's very difficult, really difficult and very brave."

And again:
"I'm a person that carries everything that happened to me in my past, with me into the future. I refuse to let it make me bitter. I still completely believe in love and I remain open to anything that will happen to me."

Lastly:
"You're either going to walk through life and experience it fully or you're going to be a voyeur. And I'm not a voyeur."

Theeenn, there's Keith Urban (hey, there was a link. Why not?)
"For me, my gift is music, and I would probably play a song for them and let them find something in there that they connect with, because everybody's struggles are different. It's easy for someone who's not going through it to say, 'Oh, well just hang in there,' but I think it's okay to be hurt and crushed and cry and be angry and frustrated - that's all part of it. I think people stopping you from doing that is not helpful at all. It's important to rally around people that love you, because you tend to -- I certainly tend to isolate myself away from people so as to not worry them, but the people that love you worry anyway, so, you may as well rally yourself around them and let them be there for you 'cause there's a huge chance that they'll need you sometime too."

"I'm really a one-day-at-a-time kind of person, especially now in my life. I read this quote recently: 'Every day, you get better or you get worse. What did you do today?' It's so blunt, but it resonated with me. I think about that before I go to bed each night. It's great to be able to think, 'Today, I got better.' It's great having that sense of accomplishment at the end of the day."

Meryl Streep: (lol, why not pile some more up while im at it? :D)
"Sometimes under-preparation is very good, because it instills fear and fear is galvanizing. It makes you break out of yourself. If you're prepared, then you think you're ready, and if you think you're ready, then you're not ready."

"I try to lead as ordinary a life as I can. You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing."

"Listening is everything. Listening is the whole deal. That's what I think. And I mean that in terms of before you work, after you work, in between work, with your children, with your husband, with your friends, with your mother, with your father. It's everything. And it's where you learn everything."

...so, upon reflection...
Life is unique to everybody, but you can always find links inbetween. Its nice; it means that everybody can be themselves but also as a group.

Like you said, Tim... a family is a group of individuals. We're there for each other, and it's like a club joined by blood.

Meanwhile, I'm also learning to cope with this emotional stress... I'm annoyed at myself for neglecting my piano... And I'm still learning "All of Me" - not just because you recommended it to me, Tim - oh no, now I can really appreciate it for myself.

Because its my fingers that this music is coming from, and nothing can change that. :)

Ps. I hope you're doing well... Because now that you've put a wall between us, I can't tell. I guess I never really could in the first place, because you didn't let me.

But that's ok. I'm learning to let you go too.

Maybe one day we'll meet again.

"My eyes are open wide
By the way I made it through the day
I watch the world outside
By the way I'm leaving out today

I just saw Haley's Comet, she waved
Said, "Why are you always running in place?"
Even the man in the moon disappeared
Somewhere in the stratosphere

Tell my mother, tell my father I've done the best I can
To make them realize this is my life, I hope they understand
I'm not angry, I'm just saying

Sometimes goodbye is a second chance..."

The perfect song describing how i feel atm... Such a complicated feeling...
lol I sang along when this was playing on the radio when i was driving... Pretty sure I was given funny looks, but it was so much fun! :D haha~

So, darling...
"By the way I made it through the day..." :) I miss your company... After the chaos has settled down, perhaps we can catch up? Start filling in the gaps, baby step by baby step?

I'm not saying we should become a couple again either.

I finally understand... You were right, I'm not ready. Neither are you, but I guess that's up to you. We've still got so much to grow, so much to become... I'm nervous about trying to grow...
But I decided to put myself on the line.
I'm going to put myself into situations that might not make me comfortable, but I'll do it... And I'll become more self-confident...
Dad told me, a mature person isn't emotionally dependent on anyone... And I realised the reason why I was so upset over the break up was because I didn't understand why you were letting me go. But now that I understand, it doesn't hurt so much. All the memories of us together no longer hurt me as much... They were fun, and happy.
If it were possible once, they can be possible again. :)

I'm looking forward to the future! ;)

And I'm grateful that you took the hardest step to make this all happen. I'll take a leaf out of your book, and use a metaphor... Our relationship was fun and full of sunshine, but like two plants just shooting, growing right next together wasn't good for either of us. :P

And for all this, I love you very much.

Thank you~ <3

"I want you right now, I want you right now, I want you right now
Give me a chance:

I could be fearless, I could be strong,
I could be me if thats what you want...

If that is what you want..."

...or rather, this is representative of my irrational side. Part of me goes 'its ok... I'm going to figure myself out, sort myself, love myself for who I am, and still enjoy the better things in life - like your company :) I'm glad you love me, even if its not as a couple.

I'm glad I had the chance to be with you and experience so much love and happiness.

I am slowly finding my feet again... I'm starting with putting myself into my academia. Well, you knew that already. :P But still. And I'm doing it for me... I'm learning what I can become :)
The only thing is...
Everything's just crashed down on me at once, it seems...

Dad's in hospital, You left me, and exams are just around the corner.

Wow... This will be a real test of strength...

I wonder if I manage to get through all this... will you be able to become closer to me again? I don't mean as a couple... but I do mean as people. As friends...

I look back at our entire history through these short 1 and 1/2 years... And it was all in shambles, wasnt it?
We never really had a good foundation. I wonder how we managed to skip that step.
Its funny...
I still don't know how you felt all that time. Or at least, I'm a little preoccupied atm to really put myself in your shoes... but I guess it was hard for you too.

I still ask myself things like "Why didn't we do this? Why didn't I say no when I knew I wasn't ready? Why didn't we talk things over? Why couldn't this come out differently? I wonder how I missed your entire progression from 'in love' to 'I can't give any more time. You're not ready.'
Had I been in constant contact with you all the time, would not being ready have mattered to you? Would I have had more time?

In the end, it's really not the point. Its happened.
I need to accept this, and learn from it, and then work out what I'll do in the future.

But also, in the end...

I still love you.

I'm so happy I met you. And I'm glad we can try again, as friends. Even if I'm back to square one... I can do it properly this time.

I miss you. I hope we can heal this awkwardness soon, because looking nervous really doesn't suit you :) Nor does being nervous around you anything I'm familiar with.

Talk to you soon...

s u z u t i
. life's little snippets .
xxoo


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