Saturday, June 13, 2009 @11:22 PM
It's amazing how quickly things can change without your noticing... life really is a fine balance of things. Too much of one disrupts the other, and you end up with chaos.
As much as I hate being useless, I'm definitely unable to do anything at the moment... And I swear that's what school makes you think: everything is on Wiki anyway. You'll find out some way or another - life isn't difficult. But I guess I'm just trying to shift the blame off myself.
To cope with something that is in someone else's hands... Its such a complicated feeling. I'm juggling grief with the option of shunning everything - either I care, and it hurts; or I give up and all is easy and I can move on. There's nothing I can do anyway.
Or is there?
This irrational hope that jumps in as soon as I get anywhere near the thought of just dropping everything pulls me back up and the two fight it out. Meanwhile, I want to cope and get on top of it all... Make it mine again.
That one thing I keep doing... promising and failing to achieve it.
Perhaps it's God's way of punishing me for being untruthful and untransparent. I look back at what I previously thought was 'risky' and 'dangerous' and ask myself; who was I kidding?
I regret so much.
But I'm actually glad this happened. If not, I guess I wouldn't have opened my eyes to it.
"You don't know what you've got 'til it's gone."
Another part of me is asking, but why do I have to learn it that way? I guess that's just the way it is. Now that it's happened, I can run with it... and hopefully grow.
I'm willing to try.
Always.
That's something I won't back down on. But now, I'm going to muster the determination to see these things through as well. I'll learn to get the balance right. I'll find the fire, the drive.
And I'll show you my progress the whole way through.
I'm not going to let you go. I'm not going to put you away.
And I won't let you forget me.
You'll see... It will happen. I'm not going to rely on you. I'll stop dreaming of the life I want... I'll start living the dream I see with you.
Even if it only starts now. As stupid as I was.
I loved you.
I'll learn to love you.
xxoo